Who won?

 In Roxxane, Roxxane, UTFO fights over who should get Roxanne. None of them succeeded, but who made the best argument? Let's discuss.


Kangol Kid

He starts out by bragging that he's part of UTFO, which gives him no advantage of the other guys because they're all part of UTFO. Next he brags about being able to sing rap and dance, which is true, but again so can everyone there. So far he has brought nothing unique to the table. Then he says he's not a sore loser, which he proves wrong because he calls Roxanne a crab for not going out for him. Not looking good for Kangol Kid overall.

Educated Rapper

ER's first argument for himself is his high IQ, but everyone knows people who brag about their IQ are annoying. Off to a bad start. He then goes on a rant about names. He did get a pat on the back, apparently more than Kangol Kid got, but overall unimpressive.

Doctor Ice

Dr. starts out by saying that "bookworms" aka people who talk about their IQ are annoying, earning him major points. He then introduces himself to Roxanne like this: "I'd like to speak with you, if I can And if I'm correct, (I) hear your name is Roxanne." Definitely the best introduction so far. Straightforward, polite, and doesn't start off by bragging about himself.

The conversation continues. Roxanne wants to know how he knows her name, and he explains that people are talking about her, points for honesty, plus he manages to be complimentary but respectful. Then the Dr. says: Please let me walk you to the corner, my rap will be brief." Unlike ambushing her like the other two did, he asks if he wants to hear him. She responds by insulting him a litte, which is rude, but he keeps it lighthearted and denies what she said. By now Roxanne is smiling. 

She then wants to know about him being a doctor, giving him a reason (unlike Educated Rapper who just opened with that) to start talking about how smart he is. But instead of just saying so he proves it, by defining fields of medicine. Roxanne likes that and gives him her number, they make a date.

Doctor Ice actually had a conversation w/ Roxanne, got her number and got a date. Much better than the others. She did show him up, but still, he did the best.


Winner: Doctor Ice

Comments

  1. MitchellMay 27, 2021 at 10:25 AM

    I love this post so much. But what it really needs is a detailed breakdown of the various comebacks to these guys by the various Roxanne's. In the "Roxanne's Revenge" that appears on the UTFO album, the dubiously real "Real Roxanne" gives further details on Doc Ice's version of events: "Meet him at the beach? Hell no! / In the middle of December when it's twenty below?!" So it turns out that Doc had made a dubious proposition, to meet at the beach in the middle of winter, and so the Real Roxanne blames him for their failure to connect.

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